What is an
Adult Child?
The following is the text
from Resources for Adult Children,
a booklet published by Onion House, P.O. Box
26899, Phoenix, AZ 85068.
Adult
Child carries a double
meaning: the Adult who is trapped in the fears
and reactions of a Child, and the Child who was
forced to be an Adult without going through the
natural stages that would result in a healthy
Adult.
In 1969, Canadian
therapist Margaret Cork offered the first modern
study on the children of alcoholic families in
The Forgotten
Children.
In New York City
in 1977, a small group of Al-Anon members discovered they were all the
children of alcoholics. They started the first
"Children of Alcoholics" meeting.
In the late
1970s, a New Jersey based therapist began
working with a group consisting of adults who
had been raised in alcoholic homes. The result
of this group was the ground-breaking 1982 book
Adult Children of Alcoholics by
Janet Geringer-Woititz. In her book, Dr.
Woititz describes the basic characteristics of
an Adult Child of Alcoholics. Her list consisted
of observations of the group of ACAs she
facilitated. Her "List of Characteristics" and
the "Laundry List," used in the New York COA
meetings, found their way to other parts of the
country to be modified and eventually emerge at
the 1984 ACA CSB/IWSO Business Conference as
"The Problem."
Healthy children
are not the result of a "perfect childhood," but
are the result of a family system that has
reasonable and consistent rules, that has a
foundation of trust and appropriate responses to
the breaking of those rules. Punishment in a
healthy family does not involve physical or
emotional scars, and are not out of proportion
to the offense.
Adult Children
most often come from homes where rules are
subject to the whim of the person in the room at
the time. We may have been ordered to do one
thing by father, forbidden to do the same thing
by mother, told to do it differently by a
grandparent and ridiculed for doing it (or not
doing it) by an uncle or "friend of the family."
As a result an Adult Child grows up "knowing" he
or she can never do anything right — that they
are somehow defective.
In a healthy home
the parents are loving authority figures who
make their likes and dislikes understood, freely
express their needs and feelings, are allowed to
openly disagree, and to not be perfect — all
without threatening the underlying trust and
love that are the consistent resource for the
family. A healthy parent can make a mistake and
it is not traumatic for the children, but a
demonstration of the freedom and honesty of a
healthy family. Healthy children learn their
parents are human and are not perfect, and the
child learns he/she is not expected to be
perfect, but to do the best they can do.
Children learn they can make mistakes, are
expected to make amends for any damage caused
and then to learn from the experience.
In a
dysfunctional home, the parents are authorities
whose words and actions cannot be questioned. In
the face of blatant wrong information or wrong
actions, the Adult Child learns that his/her own
wants, needs and safety are less important than
supporting the family system. Independence,
which is allowed in healthy families within
reasonable boundaries, is a threat to the
authority of the dysfunctional parents. Adult
Children learn to become used to comments like
"Who do you think you are?" "You'll never amount
to anything," and "What makes you think you're
so great."
Adult Children
learn not to exceed their parent's level of
competence. They learn that it is dangerous to
be a better student, to make more money, to have
a saner family or to win recognition. The
dysfunctional parent takes such successes as
threats — that they are "less than." The Adult
Child may not be aware of the self sabotage they
apply to their own lives and wonder at their
inability to achieve success.
As a child the
Adult Child learns to behave in whatever way
allowed them to survive. Behavior can range from
defiance of authority (the romantic image of the
"rebel") or by suppressing their own needs and
attending to the needs of the people who
continue to represent their parents in their
lives.
Children carry
their early perceptions of family rules with
them as they grow into their teens and
adulthood. While living in a dysfunctional
family, the warped foundation may continue to
function well enough to permit the illusion of a
functional family. Virtually all dysfunctional
family systems, however, are in a slow downward
spiral, requiring more and more energy to defend
the "official" realities of the family in the
face of mounting evidence.
When the child of
a dysfunctional family begins to enter the "real
world" — schools and the work place — they
discover their family system is not the reality
shared by their classmates and co-workers. Many
Adult Children become loners or form tight,
unhealthy relationships with other children of
Dysfunctional homes. These relationships
actually re-enforce their dysfunctional view of
the world by "finding another person who really
understands." The tightness of the bonds created
in these relationships is accented by the Adult
Child's lack of an individual sense of identity
— they do not yet know where they stop and
someone else begins. As a result they are unable
to define their limits and begin to take on
other people's opinions, defects and needs.
If the Adult
Child is able to form lasting friendships (some
never do), it is usually with other Adult
Children who provide familiar characteristics
similar to the family's dysfunction. Adult
Children can be very slow to recognize the
patterns of family problems — they spent their
lives being trained by the family to not see the
problem — even when they are re-created in
friendships, marriages and work relationships.
While the outward symptom of the dysfunction may
be missing (the bottle, the gambling debts, the
violence, etc.), the behavior is present early
in the relationship. When the behavior blossoms
into full dysfunction, the Adult Child is often
one of the last to notice and feels very
betrayed ("I never knew he drank...", "My God,
she's just like my Mother!")
At the point of
awareness the Adult Child can easily retreat
into depression and feel defective — "What's
wrong with me? Why didn't I see it before..."
The lack of skills necessary for nurturing
themselves can leave the Adult Child with
intense self-hate and low (or non-existent)
self-esteem.
Types of Adult
Children
Most books
published on the subject of Adult Children agree
that certain personality types are common in
dysfunctional families. Some of the books call
the types by different names and not all of the
types are found in every book.
Some of the
personality types are:
FAMILY
HERO - An
achiever, usually (but not always) the oldest
child. Often a workaholic who can identify
other's needs and meet them, but is without an
understanding of their own needs. This is often
a child who uses their success to find a sense
of belonging — the one who shows the family is
"all right," but who is unable to feel the
benefit of his/her achievements. They feel like
a fraud and are subject to depressions which
they hide from those around them.
THE
RESCUER - Similar
to the Family Hero, but without the visible
success. The Rescuer finds those in need, lets
them move in or marries them or finds a job for
them while supplying other needs and is very
understanding of the frequent betrayals. The
rescuer has a deep seated self-hate that drives
them to their role as a savior, because they
know that anyone not already at the bottom of
the barrel would have nothing to do with them.
They tend to feel inadequate in their giving and
unable to accept help for their own needs.
THE
MASCOT - Often a
younger child who uses humor or other
distracting behavior, such as being exceptional
clumsy or always in trouble, to take the focus
of the family away from the problems of the
family dysfunction. If the parent is violently
drunk, the Mascot may take the abuse to "save"
the rest of the family, or may be able to crack
a joke at the necessary moment to take
everyone's mind off the pain of their reality.
THE
ADJUSTER - The
one who is never bothered by what is happening;
there is no reason to be excited because
everyone had to live with family problems. The
child never becomes too attached to a goal or a
desire because they have learned to change their
direction at any moment. They float, knowing
something is wrong but coping, often
successfully, with one chaotic situation after
another by surrendering their identity to the
needs of the moment.
THE
DOORMAT - The
abused child who survives by lying down and
letting others walk all over him/her, rather
than risk an unpleasant or dangerous
confrontation. This child is very understanding
of the need someone else may have to injure
him/her, but cannot identify his/her feelings
about the abuse in the past or present.
THE
ACTING OUT CHILD or THE REBEL
- This child is in action at the slightest
provocation, whether as an heroic action to
prevent abuse to someone else (by distracting
the abuser) or to protect himself/herself with
wildness. This is the child who is most visible
to the outside world and who may adopt
alcoholism, drug addiction or other compulsive
behavior early in defiance of the family system.
THE
SCAPEGOAT or FAMILY JERK
- This child takes the blame and shame for the
actions of other family members by being the
most visibly dysfunctional. This child serves
the family by being sick or crazy to allow the
other members of the family to ignore their own
dysfunction. This is also the child who holds
the family together — the family rallies to help
the family jerk. He/She learns to remain
dysfunctional to continue receiving the little
attention available in a dysfunctional home by
making the family "okay" by being the focus of
all that is "not okay" which all members of the
family vaguely sense.
THE BULLY
- This child is usually the victim of physical,
sexual and/or emotional abuse, who successfully
makes the mental transition to stop being the
victim by victimizing others. Often the Bully is
genuinely remorseful for the pain and suffering
caused to others, but will continue inflicting
that abuse rather than face his/her own pain.
THE LOST
CHILD - Often a
younger (or the youngest) child, this
personality type has learned to stay out of the
way, not make his/her wants known and to expect
nothing. They avoid feeling by denying that they
have feelings. They adopt whatever behavior will
allow them to stay invisible within the family,
at work, at school or in a relationship. This is
the child who can assume whatever personality
those around him/her find least threatening.
THE LAST
HOPE - Similar to
the Lost Child, the Last Hope is the caretaker
for the family when all other members have
become unable to continue their roles. Often the
Last Child is raised on comments like "You'll
never hurt me like so-and-so." These children
may work themselves to death trying to do
"what's right" for blood relations or adopted
families, no matter what the expense to their
own life.
Each of the
personality types has special needs in Recovery,
and each type can recover if they are willing to
take the risk in believing they can change and
heal.
Because the
personalities of the family are mangled, the
character traits of the children can be equally
blurred. An Adult Child may have several of the
above characteristics at one time, or may play a
different role within the family at different
ages or depending on who they are responding to.
The Good News
After reading
this far, you may question if any Recovery is
possible.
The answer is a
resounding YES. The ACA World Service
Organization issues a form of
"The Solution" as an offering of shared
experience, strength and hope in the experience
of Recovery.
Like
The Problem, many forms of The Solution are
in use, edited by local groups. All of them are
attempts to share the variety of Recovery
experiences.
The personal
Recovery of tens of thousands of Adult Children
attest to the fact that no matter how damaged or
lost you may feel, you can heal!
In the 12-Step
groups around the country every night hundreds
of Adult Children share Recovery from shame,
guilt and the burden of hopelessness.
Many Adult
Children say they have a problem coming into the
Recovery process because they believed they were
damaged beyond repair. Some Adult Children
actually develop an investment in staying
dysfunctional simply because the pain, no matter
how great, is less threatening than the unknown
of becoming a healthy adult. They report that
their breakthrough came when they understood
that they were not broken, but injured and they
could heal.
The most
difficult thing for many Adult Children to
realize is there is no single answer that fits
everyone. You are special. You are one of the
children who was born magic and now has the
opportunity to find that magic again. As an
Adult Child who begins showing up at 12-Step
Groups or Therapies to discover his/her own
Recovery process, you learn to identify your own
needs. Some of these needs may be similar to
those expressed by other Adult Children, but in
the important, one-of-a-kind combination that is
uniquely you. This special combination is the
key to becoming the healing, healthy and loving
Adult you can become.
The Inner Child
One very
successful form of Recovery for Adult Children
involves acknowledging the existence of an Inner
Child. The child who was small, lost and without
hope never really went away, but "froze" to
protect the special seed all children carry.
Recovering Adult Children can find that Inner
Child and resume the process of nurturing to
allow him/her to complete the job of growing
into a healthy Adult.
By viewing the
damaged part of ourselves as the Inner Child, we
create a model of Recovery based on healing a
lost, frightened and lonely child, at whatever
age (or ages) he/she froze in favor of simple
survival. We can then use the model to nurture
that Inner Child with the love and support
he/she needs to complete the job of growing into
a happy, functional, loving Adult.
In dealing with
the Inner Child it is important to know that
this part of you will respond as a child. This
does not necessarily mean tantrums but means
that we re-experience our feelings the way a
child feels. A child does not understand time
and each feeling fills up the whole universe and
is eternal. If it is a bad feeling, the Child
will feel that we are going to feel bad forever.
If it is good, it is supposed to be good
forever.
A child's sense
of fear fills that child's universe and to
experience as a grown person can be upsetting.
To understand the fear, try to remember that the
Child froze when grown-ups were many times
his/her size. For you to know that fear would be
the same as going home to find an angry eighteen
foot tall giant waiting for you and never
knowing if it was going to attack!
The Child within
will probably be afraid of the Adult you have
become — every Adult he/she knew before freezing
was hurtful or would betray them. You will have
to earn the respect of your Inner. Child That
respect is earned by actually taking the actions
that are good for you, and that respect is
actually the beginning of self-respect.
The Inner Child
had a job to do, and he/she has done it well.
They did what was necessary for you to survive.
One of those jobs was to hold memories that you
would not be able to handle. When you approach
the Inner Child, you will usually find that
memories will return. There may be times the
memories return in a flood, but this is usually
a tactic to overwhelm you with the sheer number
of memories, which serves to prevent you from
looking at any one of them. You may not even
handle the memories perfectly, but in Recovery
you do have the permission to be imperfect. You
do the best you can do and, slowly, learn to
reparent yourself.
Compulsions and Codependency
As they work
through the personal process of Recovery, the
Adult Child will face their own issues. The most
visible will probably be those tied to the
family and the behavior that was available to
learn.
You may find you
have learned compulsions from one or both
parents. If your parents drank or used
substances to numb themselves, you have a
greater chance of becoming an alcoholic or
addict, or you may transfer the compulsive
behavior into another area — food, gambling,
house cleaning, taking up lost causes (or
people), etc.
You may find your
have codependent problems. You may find you have
chosen "friends" that only call you when they
are in trouble, but are never available to you
when you are in need. You may have surrounded
yourself by people who have come to expect un
unending stream of support for their behavior,
particularly when they cannot find anyone else
to provide that support. You may feel unable to
uncover your own needs, or feel who you are
outside the roles placed on you by other people.
There are other
problems that may be encountered in Recovery
that are the Adult Child's problem completely
independent of the family, such as:
■
Addiction (Drugs or Behaviors)
|
■
Alcoholism |
■
Child Abuse/Incest (both Victim and
Perpetrator) |
■
CoDependency |
■
Compulsive Over-or Under-eating or
Vomiting |
■
Compulsive Gambling |
■
Compulsive Violence (both Victim and
Perpetrator) |
■
Depression |
■
Diabetes/Hypoglycemia
|
■
Fanaticism (religious or political)
|
■
High Blood Pressure
|
■
Poor Health Habits
|
■
Sexual Compulsion |
It is important
that each problem be dealt with or the Recovery
can freeze and a new way to be sick may take
over.
What About
Therapy?
Many Counselors,
Therapists and Psychologists have been valuable
to many Adult Children in the process of
Recovery. Almost all of the books published on
the subject of Adult Children were written by
mental health professionals.
Finding a
therapist presents a few problems, but problems
that can usually be overcome.
Adult Children
often learned to deny or simply not understand
their own needs. This makes it difficult to
recognize or admit that they need help. As the
"one who helps others" one will find a large
concentration of Adult Children in the "helping"
professions — psychiatrists, psychologists,
counsellors, medical professionals, teachers,
police, military, fire departments and clergy.
Trust is a
central issue for Adult Children, and trusting
the therapist who is going to assist you in
facing your oldest fears and discovering your
humanity requires trust. It can be very helpful
to have a therapist who has identified and
successfully dealt with their own Adult Child
issues. This type of therapist can have a
special value as you progress through Recovery.
Some therapists
have used their work to re-create their
dysfunctional family, but changing the script so
that they are now the authority who cannot be
questioned. They often begin with medication to
keep the patient quiet, rather than listening to
what is going on. The value of such a therapist
for an Adult Child can be very limited.
This is not to
place you in judgement of therapists, but to
allow you some guidelines to find a therapist
who truly understands how you feel and who will
be of greater value to your personal process.
You do not need to learn the details of his/her
story, but it is appropriate to ask if they have
any special training (which is now available) to
address the issues of Adult Children and to make
your needs known.
A
Commitment To Recovery
As the process of
Recovery continues, you can come to believe that
you are more than defects, dysfunctional and
damaged — you can come to value yourself as the
growing and loving adult you can be.
You are not
alone. Others have shared parts of your story,
felt the fears and pains, and they each began
their Recovery when they became willing to
accept the idea they could Recover. They took
the risk of believing that something good could
happen in their lives. They took the chance and
invite you to take the same first steps — attend
some of the 12-Step meetings to find some that
suit your needs, or seek an appropriate
therapist.
As you continue
your Recovery, you find it easier to commit to
the process — to heal and grow, no matter what!
The rewards of Recovery make it easier to
Recover. No matter what memories return, no
matter what feelings you must process, no matter
WHAT, your Recovery will go on.
You are invited
to join the thousands already in Recovery.
And keep coming
back... IT WORKS!
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