(A letter to my children in anticipation of my journey to wellness)
By Susan C.

I am writing this because I want so desperately to be a whole person — well and free of disease. It's something I've never felt I was worthy of seeking. I need it to help me to see each phase of my life, accept it or reject it as I see fit. I hate my past and what it, in essence, forced me to become — a frightened, insecure, unworthy, unyielding, yet pompous and rigid person.

One of the first things you learn on the way to wellness is that alcoholics and the victims of their disease (their spouse and children) are indeed products of their environment as well as genetics. In addition, you learn that they (as well as their co-dependents) are powerless over the disease. I have read that the alcoholic who does not quit, either dies or goes insane. Well, I believe the products (children) of that disease also have a proclivity to die (by suicide) or go insane (being unable to cope on a day-to-day basis). Therefore, it becomes paramount to become healed — whole. To seek it with every ounce of energy you possess before you die or go hopelessly insane.

I hate the past. I have merely tolerated and grudgingly accepted the present. I want to embrace the future! I want to feel free to embrace it as gently as I would my sweet sleeping child who so amazes me that I am in awe just to cuddle his body and feel his soft, warm and slightly moist head snuggled on my neck and shoulder. I want to embrace it with the enthusiasm of an NFL quarterback who just threw the ball for the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl.

I want to leave nothing to chance. I want to search in every nook and cranny until I discover who I am — and more importantly, what I am all about, how I got this way and what I have to do to change it. To make me well and whole again. To be what God intended me to be. I believe you are going to appreciate and enjoy the finish; otherwise the finish would be totally lacking in reward or fulfillment — full of regrets and missed opportunities and accomplishments.

My biggest regret with regard to my disease (that of being the adult child of an alcoholic) is that the disease robbed me of my childhood. When you take on the role of being the parent to your own parents, that certainly negates ever being able to be carefree or not so preoccupied with being responsible for making everything right. It leaves little time to be a child. In addition, you have no such example on which to base a life of interaction with your own children. I want to interact in a loving and gentle and caring way with my children. So much so that I am finally able to start the search for me!

The pain has finally reached the unbearable point. I have no other choice than to begin the search. I not only owe it to myself, but I owe it to you, my children. Not only have I been deprived of a childhood, I have deprived my children of seeing the child in me — the person they could relate to on a fun and carefree level. I want to feel something other than pain again.

So, my guys, this is not only for me but for you as well. It feels good to know that the step that enables me to begin thinking about "Beginning again" is the very fact that I realize that until I love myself unconditionally, I can't love you unconditionally and I WANT to do that. With all my heart, I want to do that! Thanks for the motivation, guys, as well as for all the times you've loved me despite myself!