The
ACA Program and How it Works, Report #1 of
the Identity, Purpose and Relationship
Committee
We
find that a difference in identity and purpose
distinguishes Adult Children of Alcoholics from
other 12-Step Programs and underscores the need
for our special focus.
The central problem for ACA's
is a mistaken belief, formed in childhood, which
affects every part of our lives. As children, we
fought to survive the destructive effects of
alcoholism, and began an endless struggle to
change a troubled, dysfunctional family into a
loving, supportive one. We reach adulthood
believing we failed, unable to see that no one
can stop the traumatic effects of family
alcoholism.
Following naturally from this
pervasive sense of failure are self-blames,
shames and guilt. These self-accusations
ultimately lead to self-hate. Accepting our
basic powerlessness to control alcoholic
behavior, and its effect on the family, is the
key that unlocks the inner-child and lets
reparenting begin. When the "First Step" is
applied to the family alcoholism, a fundamental
basis for self-hate no longer exists.
Two characteristics identify
the ACA Program. The program is for adults
raised in alcoholic homes, and although
substance abuse may exist, the focus is on the
self, specifically on reaching and freeing the
inner-child, hidden behind a protective shield
of denial.
The purpose of ACA is
three-fold... to shelter and support "newcomers"
in confronting "denial"; to comfort those
mourning their early loss of security, trust and
love; and to teach the skills for re-parenting
ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and
respect.
Moving from isolation is the
first step an Adult Child makes in recovering
the self. Isolation is both a prison and a
sanctuary. Adult Children, suspended between
need and fear, unable to choose between fight or
flight, agonize in the middle and resolve the
tension by explosive bursts of rebellion or
silently enduring the despair. Isolation is our
retreat from the pain of indecision. This
retreat into denial blunts our awareness of the
destructive reality of family alcoholism and is
the first stage of mourning and grief. It allows
us to cope with the loss of love and to survive
in the face of neglect and abuse.
The return of feelings is the
second stage of mourning and indicates a healing
has begun. Initial feelings of anger, guilt,
rage and despair resolve into a final acceptance
of loss. Genuine grieving for our childhood ends
our morbid fascination with the past and lets us
return to the present, free to live as adults.
Confronting years of pain and
loss at first seems overwhelming. Jim Goodwin,
in describing the post-traumatic stress of
Vietnam Veterans, writes that some veterans
"actually believe that if they once again allow
themselves to feel, that they may never stop
crying or may completely lose control..."
Sharing the burden of grief
others feel gives us the courage and strength to
face our own bereavement. The pain of mourning
and grief is balanced by being able, once again,
to fully love and care for someone and to freely
experience joy in life.
The need to re-parent
ourselves comes from our efforts to feel safe as
children. The violent nature of alcoholism
darkened our emotional world and left us
wounded, hurt and unable to feel. This extreme
alienation from our own internal direction kept
us helplessly dependent on those we mistrusted
and feared.
In an unstable, hostile, and
often dangerous environment, we attempted to
meet the impossible demands of living with
family alcoholism and our lives were soon out of
control. To make sense of the confusion, and to
end our feelings of fear, we denied
inconsistencies in what we were taught. We held
rigidly to a few certain beliefs, or we rebelled
and distrusted all outside interference.
Freedom begins with being open
to love. The dilemma of abandonment is a choice
between painful intimacy or isolation, but the
consequence is the same, we protect ourselves by
rejecting the vulnerable inner-child and are
forced to live without warmth or love. Without
love, intimacy and isolation are equally
painful, empty and incomplete.
Love dissolves self-hate. We
give ourselves the love we seek and embrace the
lonely child inside. With a child's sensitivity
we reach out to explore the world again and
become aware of the need to love and trust
others.
The warm affection we have for
each other heals our inner hurt. ACA's loving
acceptance and gentle support lessen our
feelings of fear. We share our beliefs and
distrust without judgment or criticism. We
realize the insanity of alcoholism and become
willing to replace the confusing beliefs of
childhood with the clear, consistent direction
of the
12-Steps and
Traditions, and to accept the authority of
the loving God they reflect.
ACA's relationship to other
anonymous programs is shared dependence on the
12-Steps for a spiritual awakening. Each
program's focus is different, but the solution
remains the same.
In childhood, our identity is
formed by the reflection we see in the eyes of
the people around us. We fear losing that
reflection... thinking the mirror makes us real
and we disappear or have no self without it.
The distorted image of family
alcoholism is not who we are. And we are not the
unreal person trying to mask that distortion. In
ACA we do not stop abusing a substance, or
losing ourselves in another. We stop believing
we have no worth and start to see our true
identity, reflected in the eyes of other Adult
Children, as the strong survivors and valuable
people we actually are.
Marty S., Identity
Committee
Identity, Purpose and Relationship Committee:
Roger N., Chairman; Marne C., Claudia P. and
Marty S., members.
1
The Etiology of Combat-Related Post
Traumatic Stress Disorders, p.16, Goodwin,
Jim, Psy D., DISABLED AMERICAN VETERANS,
Pub,. Cincinnati.
2
Post traumatic stress is the tension of
unresolved grief following the loss of
fundamental security.
|