Suggested ACA Meeting Guidelines
There aren't any
"rules" in 12 Step meetings, but we found the
following helpful.
Growing
up in dysfunctional homes, we developed patterns
that were necessary for our survival. As
children, we learned three rules: Don't talk.
Don't trust. Don't feel.
In ACA meetings
we break these rules as a part of our recovery.
We talk about what happened then and what's
happening now. We trust the people in this
meeting to respect our feelings and to treat
what we say here as confidential. We feel the
feelings we stuffed, and get in touch with our
feelings today.
But in order to
do this, our ACA meetings must remain safe
places to talk, trust and feel, i.e., recover.
How can we keep our meetings safe?...
CROSSTALK, ADVICE and CONTROL
Most meetings do
not allow crosstalk, i.e., each person is
allowed to share freely within the agreed
time-limitation without editorial comment,
one-liners or other interruption from the rest
of the group. The Phoenix Intergroup makes this
suggestion:
"In this meeting
we DO NOT crosstalk, interrupt or make comments
about other people's statements. We do this for
two reasons; FIRST: When we were growing up no
one listened to us; they told us our feelings
were wrong. SECOND: As adults we are accustomed
to taking care of other people and not taking
responsibility for our lives. In this meeting we
speak about our own experience and feelings; we
accept without comment what others say because
it is true for them; and we work toward taking
more responsibility in our own lives, rather
than giving advice to others."
Not offering
advice creates a safe environment for feelings
to be expressed without fear of comment or
judgment. We allow others to find their own
answers, learning for our part to accept people
just as they are. In this way we are practicing
on our own recovery.
Advice and
crosstalk are the most common problems in ACOA
meetings. They do more harm than good, by
DIScouraging rather than ENcouraging the
expression of feelings. Those who have a problem
with their own feelings are the first to give
advice to others. We are not here to gossip or
to "play" psychotherapist, counselor, clergyman,
or social worker. If advice-giving occurs, a
gentle reminder from the chair may be helpful,
not in criticism, but as help. Crosstalk after
the meeting, if you must, but never IN the
meetings. It is neither necessary nor helpful
for the chairperson to comment after each person
speaks — meetings flow by themselves and if
there are silences between speakers, wait
patiently for the next speaker who will surely
come. Let go... Let go...
ANONYMITY
At these meetings
some very personal experiences and deep feelings
will be shared. What you heard and who you saw
here must remain confidential. Careless
repeating of matters heard at meetings
undermines trust and can defeat the very purpose
for which we are joined together.
FEELINGS
Sometimes we find
these meetings disturbing as we get in touch
with emotions we have denied ourselves until
now. We may feel fear, or anger, or unexpressed
love or any other human emotion. Sometimes we
feel we belong, and at other times we feel alone
and afraid. When we hurt, we cry; even tears
from unknown sources are fully accepted here.
Sometimes we laugh when we hear stories that
parallel our own lives, knowing at last that we
are not alone.
Sometimes the
issue of "dumping" is raised by a member. This
is where one member thinks another's sharing is
just dumping his/her garbage on the group.
However there's a problem with this because what
is seen as dumping to one person may be
legitimate sharing of feelings to another. A
general guideline is that as long as the person
sharing keeps the focus on him/herself, the
expression of feelings is okay. When we feel
uncomfortable about another's sharing, we
examine ourselves rather than stifling the
sharer.
Crying is not
looked down on as being "on the pity pot."
Crying is a necessary part of the process of
grieving that we all found we had to go through.
We are all grieving our losses; our childhoods;
what others did to us; what we did to those we
love; what we did to ourselves.
TIME CONSTRAINTS
Realizing that
others need to talk, we try to limit our sharing
to ___ minutes.
SAFE MEETINGS
A meeting is
"safe" for sharing when what has been said is
not commented on. A meeting is safe when a
person's anonymity is protected. A meeting is
safe when each person keeps the focus on him or
herself. This is basic safety in an ACA meeting.
When people can open up, healing begins and this
is the best environment for healing to occur.
Safety gives people the freedom to truly express
what is in their minds and hearts without fear
of the subtle, often unintended message that
it's not really okay to share feelings (be open
and honest) in the group.
When in
doubt, check the Traditions
and consult your
group conscience.
Take what
you like and leave the rest. |