Definitions of Codependence

A Co-Dependent is a person who is addicted to another person and their problems, or to a relationship and its problems. (Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse)

A Co-Dependent person has let another person's behavior affect him/her and is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior. (Melody Beattie)

Co-Dependence is a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving which is nurtured by a set of oppressive rules within the family system. (Robert Subby)

A Co-Dependent person has an unhealthy dependence on another person/persons such that s/he is over-involved with the other and under-involved with the self, which leads to a loss of personal balance and power, confused identity, and blurred boundaries within relationships. This occurs and is nurtured in an atmosphere of denial and collusion. (MJ Monahan)

Characteristics

1. Denial and Control of reality and feelings about reality

2. Need to be needed

3. Need to be liked

4. Need to be seen as OK, competent

5. Fears — abandonment; being alone; growing up

6. Enabling — "Helping" that is not "Helpful"

   1. Other has not asked for help

   2. Other does not need the help

   3. You really do not want to give the help

Subby's Oppressive Rules

1. Don't Talk About Problems

2. Don't Express Feelings Openly

3. Always Communicate Indirectly

4. Expectations Are Unrealistic, Fantasy-Based

5. Don't Be Selfish

6. Do As I Say ... Not As I Do

7. It's Not OK To Play, Relax

8. Don't Rock The Boat